According to the BBC, presidential candidate/magazine cover star “Obama seeks stronger Europe ties”.  A Stampworthy reporter caught up with Obama, though it was pretty hard to get a hold of him because he wasn’t at his day job, the Senate.  In exchange for not ratting him out about skipping work, he gave us the following three question exclusive interview:

Stampworthy:  So we hear your looking for stronger Europe ties.  Why is that?
Obama:  Most so-called American ties are sewn in China or made from fabric spun in China.  I’m leading by example–I want put us back on a Western centric trade policy.

Stampworthy:  What about American ties that are, in fact made in America?

Obama:  To be honest, I don’t like the designs. Have you seen the ties they have in France, Spain, and Italy?  They put the J. Garcia line to shame.

Stampworthy:  It sounds like you’ve done your research.

Obama:  Well, I care about our foreign policy.  I’m trying to build a coalition of countries that support each other, that have stronger ties.  Well that’s three questions, I have to go.

Stampworthy:  Actually the last thing I said was a comment, not a question.

Obama:  You sneaky journalist bastard!

Stampworthy:  What do you say to critics whom allege that you’re alienating and ignoring the middle class, whose income precludes shopping sprees in Europe?

Obama:  I say, this America, where we have freedom of commerce.  It’s in the constitution.  We have freedom of speech, and freedom of speech entails the right to say “I’m buying this thing” or “I’m not buying this thing.”

In response to the attention garnered by his recent remarks on presidential candidate Barack Obama, the Rev. Jesse Jackson announced a 5-month, 34 state comedy tour headlining himself and Larry the Cable Guy.

“Sheeeeit! “ exclaimed the two time presidential candidate. “See, a black reporter would know I’m just fucking around. White reporter all, ‘well, that comment would appear out of order, my good sir.’ Nigga reporter just all, ‘hell yeah muthafucka, less go to the club!’”

“I’m just fucking witch’all. Damn, haters!” said Jackson, who was awarded the Medal of Freedom, America’s highest civilian honor, by President Bill Clinton.

Larry the Cable Guy confirmed the tour, stating, “I’m very excited to be working with such a key figure in the American civil rights movement. If I only cared about money, I could just get Jeff Foxworthy for a quarter of the cost. The fried chicken and watermelon expenses alone count for ten percent of the budget. Git-R-Done!”

Mr. The Cable Guy also mentioned possible supporting acts. “I were thinking Carlos Mencia, then I realized Mexicans are too lazy. Have you ever heard that? The entire culture, as a whole, is lazy. They don’t like to Git-R-Done, they Git-R-Nap!”

Mencia responded by saying, “Hey man, don’t get on my case. Mexicans are lazy! They don’t like to Git-R-Done, they Git-R-Nap! Durr-durr-durr!”

Last Comic Standing winner Dat Phan was also considered, but both Jackson and Larry were concerned he may know “Kung Pao” should a disagreement occur.

Jackson found himself at the center of controversy after making remarks on camera that he wanted to “cut his (Obama’s) nuts off,” and that the Illinois senator was “telling niggers how to behave.”

When asked for comment on these remarks, Jackson said, “First, I’m just playing. Y’all ought to be less ignant. And besides, he ain’t the only one with nuts at risk.”

Jackson went on to list various public officials and celebrities whose nuts he wanted to cut off. Included are the Rev. Al Sharpton (“He all trying to steal my thang, man!”), actor Dustin Diamond (“He funny on Saved By The Bell, but shit, a Dirty Sanchez ain’t supposed to happen in real life!”) and tabloid darling Angelina Jolie (“Bitch should come down to the hood and adopt my ass, let me ride a cart on Brad Pitt’s lap. Fuck that bitch!”).

The ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr. was unavailable for comment, but issued this statement through his publicist. “I once had a dream where all people, regardless of color, would be judged on the content of their character. Man did you guys fuck that up.”

“We’re back, and we’ve gone green,” announced Dana Calderwood, the director of the popular educational children’s game show, “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” The announcement that the twelve-year-old series has been revamped was delivered to a press conference of shocked reporters earlier today.

“This time we’re going to do it right–we’re going to teach geography to kids along with an environmentally conscious mind set,” said Calderwood. “Carmen’s carbon footprint is completely unacceptable.”

The updated villainess sports a green coat and travels within a narrower geographical scope. “The show all about responsible travel and living within your means,” said the director. Carmen will no longer be taking private jets and boats to remote locations. Instead, she will be confined to a travel radius delineated by the battery life of a fully-charged Segway scooter.

PBS has revived the show on a temporary basis, but with a drastically reduced budget. “It will be a challenge to do this on a shoe-string budget, but that’s part of environmentalism,” said Calderwood. Questions will now draw exclusively from information included on Google Maps and Wikipedia.

Calderwood says there’s another pragmatic feature aspect of the show: “Anti-American sentiment has spread all over the world. Is there any reason to teach children the location of places they’ll never be able to visit?”

Rockapella could not be reached for comment.

We here at Stampworthy have done our best to keep you apprised of the greatest threat to humanity: ants. It is with a heavy heart we inform you that the ants have begun a revolt against their former arachnid masters who have long held them at bay. Lucky McHappy, our finest photographer, gave his live to bring you this image:

If this picture is worth 10,000 words (or even 1,000 for that manner), then at least two of them would be “holy shit!” In retrospect, we should have just posted the following YouTube clip instead of sending one of our own to die an excruciatingly painful death…

The following information was obtained from classified documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, oh yeah, and we hacked into the government’s computer network:

The arachnid overlords and humans have long held a truce in which the ants have played a rather dubious role. The sexpedals were originally raised in concentration farms as a live-harvest food to be offered to the spiders until the web-spinning beings discovered they could grow their own supply without our help. This led to secret global wars between spiders and humans.

President Roosevelt’s well-known monetary ties to the spiders led to widespread fear in his cabinet that the press would band bury him the shovels of truth. In order to avoid this fate, Roosevelt fabricated World War II to distract the public from his personal dealings as well as the larger global arachnid threat. Luckily a German-defector scientist discovered a way to insert Lysine into government ants which infiltrated the spiders’ farms. And so the arachnids became dependent on Lysine ants provided by humans. A new truce was issued and peace prevailed.

Little else is known at this time, but it is widely believed that the spiders have been bio-engineering their own Lysine ants in secret. The government has long suspected this–satellite and Google Map photos reveal rudimentary facilities that could be used to develop this technology, but inspections of the facilities were delayed, avoided, then refused by the arachnids.

Stampworthy picked up an arachnid distress call and quickly dispatched a news team to investigate the disturbance. They were never heard from again. So we decided to sent Lucky to take pictures of the bodies to use as Photoshop Phriday fodder. The image and video above reveal that somehow some of these gentically engineered ants have escaped and that they are staging a revolt of global proportions. It is only a matter of time before we must contend with their ever-growing vengeance-seeking hoard.

The Bush Administration has declined to comment on the situation, although Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey offered that “If there were a massive super-army of ants, we could market American-made products directly to them–wouldn’t that be great for the economy?”

A Stampworthy source close to the president revealed that talks with the spiders are under way and that the U.S. is considering an alliance with the arachnids.

I hate Bill O’Riley. He is deaf, blind, and stupid… and doesn’t quite know it yet. Constantly cutting off anyone when he realizes their intelligence is quickly out pacing his (He cuts off A LOT of people). Though I must admit, whenever I need a little bit of rage to fuel a night of kitten curb stomping, I flip on his show. I can usually get through a good dozen kittens off just one sitting. So thank you, and a special Stampworthy Thank-You to whoever leaked this video from corporate headquarters.Bill, what are you going to do when that teleprompter stops spitting out monkey babble for you?God Bless the Internet! Everyone.

Is there an end to the monstrosity that is high gas prices? The statisticians wing at Stampworthy Headquarters has responded with a resounding “Possibly.” A 130 hour, mind numbing, investigation and the use of cutting edge technologies (we googled “gas prices”) have led us to the conclusion that gas prices will most inevitably go up, not down. The cause of this can be traced back to the invasion of Iraq in 2003, as prior to this gas prices were pretty stable at roughly $1.50 per gallon. We are exceeding $4.00 per gallon and showing no signs of slowing down.

Fatih Birol, some guy on wikipedia, expressed his opinion in October, 2007 that oil prices will remain high for the foreseeable future due to rapid increases in demand from the huge developing economies of China and India.

What does all this mean for us? How are people coping with this phenomenon? Can life go on? With $4 dollars you can decently feed your family a bag of pizza rolls and a few candy bars. $4 will also get you a big mac meal at McD’s, almost. $4 will also buy you precisely ONE gallon of gas, as of 2008. We stopped some people at the pumps on their commute to work, to find out how the public is coping.

Edwardo, from Wisconsin, said “I mean it’s to be expected, there is only so much oil, and a lot of people around the world use it. It does make you wonder how you will feed your family in the future.”

Cynthia, New Jersey: “Those politicians need to solve our gas problems or find another way for us to get around.”

Another man lit himself on fire.

When we called Exxon CEO Rex W. Tillerson for questioning on this matter, he simply shouted “The WORLD is OURS!” and hung up the phone while giving out a bellowing, sinister laugh.

Are there riots in America’s future? When does the proverbial switch flip in the pschye of America and we go from our normal, kind, fluffy, suburbanite Dr. Jekyl into the grimacing, Mr. Hyde? Time will tell, and meanwhile gas prices shoot heavenward.

We are now one week away from the first ever Official Stampworthy European Extravaganza! Pretty neat, huh? We can’t explain our entire itinerary as of yet, however we can reveal that hostels will be involved.

As we pack for our flight, it would probably be a good time to review the list of prohibited items allowed while checking in your carry on at the airport, for your own reference:

Items permitted in aircraft cabins:

Cigar Cutters
Cork Screws
Cuticle Cutters
Eyelash curlers
Insulin delivery systems
Nail clippers with nail files attached
Nail files
Pets (if permitted by airline, check with airline for procedures)
Safety razors (including disposable razors)
Syringes (with medication and professionally printed label identifying medication or manufacturer’s name)
Tweezers
Walking canes and umbrellas (once inspected to ensure prohibited items are not concealed)

Items prohibited from aircraft cabins:
The following items will not be allowed through the security checkpoint. In addition to items specifically listed here, other items that may be deemed to present a potential threat may also be prohibited.

All Guns and Rifles
Ammunition
Automatic Weapons
Axes
Baseball Bats
BB Guns
Bows and arrows
Box Cutters
Compressed air guns
Corkscrews with sharp edges
Cricket bats
Disabling chemicals or gases
Dog repellent spray, Mace or Pepper Spray
Dynamite
Fire extinguishers
Golf clubs
Gun lighters
Gunpowder
Hammers
Hockey sticks
Ice axe/Ice pick
Knives (any length)
Large, heavy tools (such as wrenches, pliers, etc.)
Mace
Martial Arts or Self-Defense Items
Metal scissors with pointed tips
Pen knives
Pepper Spray
Plastic explosives
Pool cues
Portable power drills
Portable power saws
Razor blades (not in a cartridge)
Road flares
Screwdrivers
Ski poles
Straight razors
Stun guns/shocking devices
Tear gas

We at stampworthy.com fully endorse all methods taken by law enforcement officials in order to prevent and / or apprehend terrorists and dangerous / suspicious individuals. And, we would thank our lucky stars if you could also prevent any mutheh faakn snakes from being on the — umm — aircraft?

However, a stunning revelation occurs upon review of this list: what if the untimely event of a plane crash occurs, and your beloved, irreplaceable stampworthy team members are stranded on an island in the middle of the Indian ocean??! What’s that? Atlantic, Indian, its all water right? Stop nitpicking and read the post!

The sad truth is that most (not all) of the items needed to survive a plane crash and inevitable island stranded incident are also the items considered dangerous by most of the major airlines. The prohibition of bows, arrows, guns, and ice picks eliminates any hunting, and I can’t very well chop wood without an axe, now can I?? Absent from this list are matches and lighters, however I wonder how well these would light when wet anyhow. You aren’t going to remember to hold on to these items as you plummet into the ocean in a large, steel deathtrap.

Don’t even try signaling for help, as you won’t be accompanied by your road flares.

It makes you wonder why the lovely flight crew offers their safety procedure course at all, doesn’t it? Our advice if you are in an emergency event such as a plane crash? Just drown. You won’t be alive when the sharks start to feed on you.

We will pick up correspondence when (if) we reach the great continent of Europe in the southern hemisphere. Wish us safe travel, we’ll need it!

Too bad half of the adults within the city are functionally illiterate…

“In the state of Michigan, 18 percent of adults, nearly one in five, were functionally illiterate. Detroit had the one of the highest illiteracy rates in the country, with 47 percent of its residents, nearly one out of two, scoring at Level I in the NIL survey.”

Which means that you could etch the Penguins names on that trophy and half the residents wouldn’t know the difference.

Congrulations Detroit!
And for the half of you that cant read…
c0magrakkalsd Terfoit?

Presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain has released his private health records to the public and appears to be in good health, for a robot.

“I want Americans to have faith that I can execute my duties as Commander in Chief of this great nation for centuries to come,” said McCain today in a press conference. “I know you’re all impressed with those sleek, young T-1000 models. They may speak well, but they don’t have the staying power or robotic credentials of us T-800s,” he added.

The U.S. flag is getting its first design overhaul since 1960–green stripes. President Bush announced in a press conference Sunday morning that Old Glory needs a fresh, environmentally-friendly angle.”All that red–it’s about blood. We’re not about that here in America,” said President Bush. “We need a flag the displays our continued commitment to not just the world, but the Earth. We’re going green.”

The new flag will be unveiled later this week at a special White House ceremony. Old flags can be mailed to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for a free exchange.

President Bush said he came up with the idea after hearing about the plight of the polar bears. “The future is getting closer every day. We have to make a change before tomorrow becomes today,” he said. “We have to come together to solve this, all men, women, and polar bears. We’re in this together.”

The President balked at suggestions that his decision may cause controversy. “I don’t see what the big deal is. The only problem is getting a new flag up there on Mars,” he said.